Can Count Binface deliver his manifesto?
As I write this, we are approaching a by-election in the UK constituency of Clacton, called as a result of right-wing politician and alleged grifter Nigel Farage resigning his seat in a seemingly misguided attempt to outrun a corruption investigation. The major British political parties have declined to participate in this farce, leaving a field of thirty-three other candidates mostly engaging in the traditional British sport of having a go at an election for the fun of it. Foremost among these is Count Binface, a perennial candidate and alter ego of a professional comedian.
Binface has delivered a manifesto making a wide range of pledges, ranging from populist to practical to pointedly critiquing his primary opponent. While many analysts are discussing Binface’s odds and the effect on Farage’s image, I thought it would be interesting to briefly think about how many pledges on the manifesto Binface would in fact be able to deliver as a single constituency MP. Typically, party manifestos make pledges assuming that the party forms the government, rather than if any one specific candidate were elected, since any action requiring new law requires a majority in the Commons to pass, while any other action could be considered out of scope. However, the Count Binface Party is fielding a single candidate, so we must instead consider what a single candidate could deliver.
1. I will boost the region’s economy, prestige and fame
Count Binface has discussed this on podcasts; he has already raised the profile of Clacton in national and international news, and claims that he would save the local authority the £348k cost of a second by-election in the (seemingly likely) event that Farage’s corruption investigation is upheld and a recall petition successful.
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2. I will cut your taxes, and raise everyone else’s
Leaving aside the quasi-Orwellian rhetoric, a single MP not part of the ruling coalition is unlikely to have significant influence over tax policy.
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3. Bus fares to be capped at £1.99, and 99 Flake ice-creams to cost no more than 99p
While individual non-Government MPs have little influence over transport policy nationally, many constituency MPs are able to bring pressure against organisations in their constituency. Binface may be able to speak to the management of Konectbus/Central Connect/Transport Made Simple1 and convince them to offer a 1p discount on the £2 fare cap reintroduced by the recent incoming Prime Minister.
Regulating ice cream prices is harder due to the larger number of independent vendors, but the potential is there to form a local trade association pledging to offer a flat rate.
I’ll generously suggest that these might be in Binface’s power.
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4. I promise to spend more time in Clacton-on-Sea than in Washington DC, and to champion the area
Yep, Count Binface will largely be in control of where he spends his time, and what he talks about.
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5. MPs who resign mid-parliament to be barred from the resulting by-election
Constitutional changes are outside the capacity of any one MP. The best that Count Binface would be able to do would be to bring a Private Member’s Bill; he can’t guarantee this change.
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6. MPs who change party mid-parliament to be forced to face a by-election
Similarly to 5 above, this is not within any one person’s power.
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7. I pledge to build at least one affordable house
While he wouldn’t have authority to do this as an action of Government, there would be nothing stopping Count Binface from using his own personal income (including his salary as an MP) to build a house and sell it below cost.
Indeed, it might even be possible to do this at taxpayer expense via creative use of the expenses system: since Binface will likely need a second home in Clacton, he may be able to buy a new build property, which he could then sell to a constituent.
Given he is running opposing Farage’s alleged corruption, questionable actions with expenses may however be ill-advised.
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8. Arcade grabber games to be made fairer so players actually have a chance to win
Similar to the buses and ice cream vans above, Binface would be able to bring some pressure on local operators. If such pressure failed, Binface would potentially be able to operate his own grabber machine with odds under his control, and claim to have delivered this, since he doesn’t specify that all grabber machines will be changed.
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9. Oil and gas companies to pay for solar panels for everyone. (From Jack, aged 10)
This would require legislation to force, and oil and gas companies are large enough that this is not likely to be achievable by pressure from a single MP.
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10. Regeneration of Walton Pier so it is just as great as Clacton Pier
This is something that could be encouraged by an MP, but is not guaranteed to be successful,
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11. A windfall tax on cosy crime novels written (or ‘written’) by celebrities
See previous comments about tax policy.
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12. Potholes to be filled, using copies of the 2024 Labour Party Manifesto
Count Binface would certainly be able to take copies of the manifesto and place them into potholes, although he would presumably be well-advised to coordinate this with the local authority so that he is not accused of littering or fly-tipping.
13. Parliament to be moved to my new Bin HQ, in Weeley, while the Palace of Westminster is restored
Even assuming that the restoration of the Palace of Westminster ever goes ahead, Count Binface as an MP from the opposition will not have influence on where Parliament meets for the duration of the work.
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14. People who drive past Clacton station with annoyingly loud exhausts to lose their licence
This punishment is not currently law, and Count Binface will not have power to make it so. The penalty for an excessively loud exhaust is a £50 on the spot fine, and the possibility that the car is forcibly taken off the road until the exhaust is replaced; the driver’s licence is not affected.
I guess if you want to be generous, you could assume that most people driving such vehicles are most likely committing other crimes that would result in points on or immediate loss of licence. Thus Binface could in principle set up shop directly outside Clacton station, monitor nuisance drivers for other infringing behaviour, and send packages of evidence to the police.
I’ll be generous and say that it’s not impossible that Binface could cause at least one noisy exhaust-haver to lose their licence.
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15. I will not accept £5 million gifts from crypto billionaires (on Earth)
Yes, this is entirely within any MP’s power.
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16. A referendum on whether Pluto should regain its planet status
Ignoring whether it is advisable for a national government to try and override the expert decision of the International Astronomical Union, no individual MP can call a referendum.
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17. The hand-dryer in the gents’ toilet at the Great Himalayas restaurant, Southport to be moved to a more sensible position
Similarly to the buses above, this is definitely an area where Binface can exert influence. Indeed, see below regarding the previous commitment for the Crown & Treaty.
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18. Wayne Rooney to be new expert summariser for the BBC at Eurovision
Individual MPs have little influence over BBC policy, and even Government trying to force the behaviour of the BBC is generally frowned upon.
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19. Count Binface to represent the UK at Eurovision 2027, with Clacton hosting Eurovision 2028
Similarly, Eurovision participation isn’t decided by Government or any single MP, and the hosting is decided by the EBU based on the previous year’s result.
While you could claim that the latter is a confident assertion that Binface would win Eurovision, thus bringing the competition to the UK, I’m coming down on the side that this (particularly him being the representative in the first place) is not sufficiently within his power to get a tick here.
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20. I stand by my past manifestos
Looking at these individually…
Ceefax
Depending on your definition of Ceefax, this is either already done (in the form of red button services, or online Teletext-like services), or not within Binface’s remit (being another matter for the BBC).
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speakerphones
Banning anything is outside the remit of any MP; similarly to above points, it would require a Private Member’s Bill to pass.
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nationalising Adele
It’s not entirely clear what this means, let alone how it would be delivered. In principle one could argue that a “nationalised person” would be someone effectively forced into service to the country; there is a (weak) argument that this describes the Royal Family, who are effectively working as (highly-remunerated) civil servants from birth. So by adding Adele to the Royal Family (or deposing the King and replacing him with Adele), one could be considered to be nationalising her. However, this is definitely beyond the scope of Binface MP’s power.
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renaming HS2 ‘FFS1’
Definitely outside what one MP can do. An interesting hypothetical (which led me down the rabbit hole of writing this article), however, is how might this come about.
Currently, Swiss Federal Railways is investigating running services through the Channel Tunnel, directly from London to Switzerland. The lack of a HS1–HS2 link means that services can’t2 go further into the UK; this was originally proposed but subsequently removed from the proposal.
One could imagine a (pie in the sky) situation where Swiss Federal Railways are so enthusiastic to run services from Switzerland to Birmingham (and even Crewe, Manchester, and Leeds) that they sponsor the construction of the cancelled sections, in exchange for unlimited trackage rights, and naming rights for the full line.
The interesting part: Swiss Federal Railways has three acronyms, for the three main languages of Switzerland. In German it is SBB (Schweizerische Bundesbahnen), and in French CFF (Chemins de fer fédéraux suisses). In Italian, however, Swiss Federal Railways is known as Ferrovie federali svizzere, or FFS. So a Swiss-sponsored re-expanded HS2 network could in fact be called FFS1.
I guess Count Binface should start talking with some Italian-speaking Swiss rail executives.
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the hand-dryer at the Crown & Treaty
Interestingly, staff at the Crown & Treaty have already committed to making this change if Binface is elected. This shows the effect that an elected official can have even outside their official capacity.
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Summary
Out of the 20 manifesto pledges, by my estimate 8.2 of them can be in principle delivered by a constituency MP (allowing 1/5 of the mentioned previous commitments; I’m not going to go through every previous manifesto in detail!)
Total score: 8.2/20
All assessments are my own judgement using the information I have to hand; I haven’t done deep research for this. I’d be interested in hearing any suggestions on where I might have overlooked something; reach out on Mastodon!